I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Someone came in the potted fern
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
