It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
