finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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