I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
