I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
