He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
