I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
