Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
