They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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