Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
