my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
