Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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