Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
