he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
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