You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
