Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
