Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
