It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
