Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
