i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
