i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
