fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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