the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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