mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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