Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
bring money and cleavage
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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