What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My feet surprised me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
