I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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