Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
