sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
