Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
