I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
