Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
