We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
