yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
