Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
