it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
