when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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