I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
