You're my little dorito
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
