Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
