I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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