Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'm really busy with my period
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