watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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