mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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