I'm so fucking centered right now
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
