Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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