god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
