And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
