I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
