I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
